looking back.

So being in Berlin and not having a job that gets me out of the house has given me a lot of time to think about things.

I have no friends. No real friends like i had back in school anyway.

This makes me feel really down. I had friends, not loads, but a special one or two. They were pretty much the best friends anyone could ask for. Some in particular helped me through a very difficult stage in my life and i will forever be grateful to them, the only problem is, i don't speak to them anymore.

I feel like i lost my friends as soon as i got a boyfriend. This was, and still is, the first relationship i have ever been in. It gave me a new take on things. We were 17, pretty much 18, and it was really hard to try and spend as much time with a new bf, and my old friends.

I should have made time really. Then i went to uni in manchester for a year, with said bf, then i came home and by this time i'd stopped speaking to everyone i used to know. I think it's my own fault really, they do say it takes two to have a conversation, it's not like i was ignoring people, but it takes two.

Now with facebook we can say hello, how are you, how is life. But it's not the same. It's not the chats like we used to have. I'm sure everyone at some point in their lives has gone through this.

I suffer badly with depression and social anxiety.

I have no idea when or where or how this developed, but it did. I hate being around people because i am super paranoid that the second we leave each others company, they are going to talk about me. I'm not happy with myself, so i blame part of the anxiety on that, i hate myself, so why wouldn't anyone else hate me??

This is the craziness my mind comes up with on a daily basis.

I want my friends back, i want to be able to go out and have a good time without worrying what people think of me.

It's hard though, it's hard to break through.

I realise my post today was a wee bit morbid and self indulgent, but i needed to get it off my chest somewhere, to someone.

On another note, i hope to start a diet and exercise regime 2moro or wednesday, it's up to me to make a change, and i want to do so...

Peas xx